I spent all day yesterday waiting for a phonecall from the people that said I had a position in the bag when we did the interview on monday. They didn’t call me. It’s IWD today so they’re not going to call me. The position would start on monday, so I didn’t get the job. I am anxious and feeling awful, and people .keep telling me it’ll be okay but it only makes me feel worse.
I fell asleep to my flock playing Disco Elysium. The one and only highlight yesterday.
I’m also not doing my cooking today, because I woke up late, and my family won’t let me make up for it. I think the lack of distractions that feel meaningful is contributing to my sour mood greatly. I don’t want to fiddle with my computer or watch movies, I just want to do something with my hands that feels caring and useful.
Noticing a deep bitterness within myself when I interact with a few friends. I haven’t been able to put the source of the bitterness into words but I’ve decided to step back in hopes that I will be able to identify it, let it go, and go through the whole ordeal without nuking my relationships for a transient source of pain.
The blackbirds are singing, and it’s the only thing keeping me tethered.
I want to do something productive today, that is, something that produces, something that leaves me with something to show for the time I invested.