2026-05-19

• It’s been an extremely rough week. I went from homelessness and suicidality to having a job and not being homeless while still heavily anxious and suicidal literally overnight. I am frozen and scared of doing anything wrong, it all feels precarious because it is.
• I started working as a manager at [redacted], I don’t work full time so my salary is not all that, but it’s still decent for what the job entails: being the bad guy to employees while not actually holding any material power over them; I’m the bearer of bad news and I get paid for it.
• My flock has flown away to their summer job and I am a little lost with the changes in our routine. I believe I will survive, but right now I spend the afternoon feeling too achey and lonely to come up with activities to do on my own. I had hoped the summer would bring time and energy to read, but I suppose I still need to rest after work and I should not beat myself up over missing my loved ones.
• The world is still so overwhelmingly lonely. I drink in every crumb of kindness and socialization like I’m dying of thirst. I get attached easily, intensely, to my detriment. I wish it was easier. I wish I was better at not wanting human connection, sometimes. Every kind interaction at work is a constant reminder that I can’t make friends with my coworkers and that I don’t really have any friends physically close. I can’t remember the last time I gave or received a hug.
• I wish I could spend my energy talking to people instead of thinking about all these self-imposed chores that I can’t be assed to do when my mood is stormy, like writing these posts. I know I write to track time and happenings. It’s good for me. It isn’t always easy. If you’re reading this and would like to be friends, shoot me an e-mail and we’ll figure it out from there.